TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE I'LL NEVER GET BACK (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

This is what I did last night: took a million screaming children to Chuck E. Cheese and then finally returned to my couch to watch Bachelor in Paradise. GUESS WHICH ONE OF THESE EXPERIENCES WAS WORSE? I dare you.

We open back on the beach with another Chris Harrison post-scandal intro. He's like, no worries, y'all, everybody's back in paradise! “They’re all ready to find love in paradise and have some crazy fun while doing it,” says Chris, sweeping that whole sexual assault moment under a beach towel. I like how he qualified "fun" with "crazy" so we would know that this is all fun and games but like everyone's consenting adults looking for love, ok?

But first! Carly and Evan's wedding! All I have to say about that is:

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THIS BITCH HAVE ON HER HEAD. It's like out of a colorful children's book. Amelia Bedelia Ruins a Wedding.

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THIS BITCH HAVE ON HER HEAD. It's like out of a colorful children's book. Amelia Bedelia Ruins a Wedding.

This is the meanest thing someone's done to a pregnant person since Billy Crudup left Mary Louise Parker for Claire Danes. This might be meaner. Even Tanner is flummoxed.

This is the meanest thing someone's done to a pregnant person since Billy Crudup left Mary Louise Parker for Claire Danes. This might be meaner. Even Tanner is flummoxed.

Listen I like Carly and Evan well enough and it's unfortunate for them that ABC smashed their wedding between a sexual assault to be continued and an after school special on race and consent led by the whitest man in America, Chris Harrison. Because I am JUST NOT INTO IT. The producers are all, let's relive their love story! And I'm all, how about you tell us who really accused DeMario of sexual assault and if that racist ass person was fired? Carly says neither of them thought this is how they would find each other, but like, uh, ISN'T THAT THE POINT OF THE SHOW, CARLY?

I mean I like Carly, but this is sort of long and too much and I’m too old and bitter to be watching bridesmaids in matching robes. Now Evan’s crying and looking like a Game of Thrones extra in a Gap t-shirt. Evan says Carly’s beauty reminds him of a sunrise and I'm shoving Chuck E. Cheese skittles in my mouth just to get through it.

A shaman (and his wife) come up to the altar to perform a ceremony. Juelia says “I honestly have no idea what the shaman did, but I thought it was awesome.” I guess that rope of flowers the shaman put around Evan and Carly, joining them together, was a little too much symbolism for Juelia. Evan and Carly kiss and are officially man and wife and Bachelor Nation congratulates itself on another "successful journey."

Dramatic music plays and our still single singles roll up onto the beach two by two. Raven hopes this is a fresh reset on love. Umm, did Robbie have that whole beard when we started? Amanda’s not sure they should come back to Paradise and be associated with what’s in the media. This is from a person who was very publicly associated with this guy:

Chris perches on a stool to lead the kiddos in discussion and it's exactly what teaching a Comp 101 class to college freshmen is like. He asks them leading questions and they answer with their "personal experiences" that don't include a thesis or relevant support. But you're tired so you're like, great point, Adam, great point, what do you think about that Jenny, while you physically sit on your hands to avoid grabbing your phone to read Facebook.

Taylor says in a pinched nasally tone that the disruption in filming was hard for the producers and cast emotionally. Derek John Krasinski says there’s this weird perception that they’re not in control of themselves, and he's all up on Taylor's shit and I don't like it one bit. Taylor explains it again, she’s like, we’re all real people just being ourselves!!!! Who gave this fool a psych degree? She’s like, WE’RE ALL ADULTS AND NOT HERE TO BE BABYSAT!!!! Derek supports her on this by adding, "We all order our own drinks."

I hate myself for watching this, it's so terrible and stupid, and we haven't even gotten to Chris leading us in discussion about the intricacies of RACE AND CONSENT. Do you think race played a part in this, he asks. St. Nick says unfortunately yes and there are some echoes of absolutely. But like HOW. WHO MADE THIS ACCUSATION. WHAT HAPPENED. ABC is doing a great job of "addressing the issue" without addressing it AT ALL. Slut shaming is not okay, says Danielle. Shark Bitch agrees. 

How do you know if someone is giving consent, asks Chris? Taylor and her psych degree tells us about nonverbal cues. Can somebody passed out give consent? asks Chris. NO! They chime. And with that Chris washes his hands of the whole thing and triumphantly proclaims BiP back open for business and I plan to stare directly into the eclipse on Monday because I can’t watch anymore. 

The girls and boys retreat to their corners to talk about who should get the roses. Apparently a lot has changed in the two weeks filming was shut down. The boys say Derek John Krasinski and Taylor are the strongest relationship and I'm straight up devastated. 

Matt (?) is like, I like Jasmine, but Imma keep my options open. Sigh. Men. Poor Jasmine was lured into thinking Matt (?) was a nice guy because he looks like a washed up member of 98 degrees but really he's just a dude who's been on Tinder and knows he can KEEP SWIPING, Y'ALL. Alex thinks he has a chance with Princess Amanda, but everyone but him knows that’s not true. Amanda never says anything that’s not almost perfectly neutral, SO THE MEN LOVE HER. Alex really wants a storyline so he goes to everyone asking for advice. All his "friends" makes shortie jokes about him, which sort of bums me out because that’s not the worst thing about Alex at all. His dumb narcissism is.

Lacey’s make up is so bad but her assessment of the dudes is cracking me up. Jack Stone is interested in everyone but me, she says. Diggy is cool, she says, but he’s not interested in me. Iggy’s full of shit and just wants to hang with his bros. Then Lacey’s crying because no one likes her. GIRL LOOK AROUND YOU. These options are terrible, why can't you find yourself a nice guy who works in IT and wants to ride bicycles on the weekends? Lacey won't listen to reason, she wants someone named Daniel to come. That's this guy:

THERE'S NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE.

Taylor and Derek John Krasinski go on a 1:1 and I hope they have a crash and burn break up because I’m a terrible person. But she's insipid, right? RIGHT.

Kristina and Dean are trying to figure out THE MYSTERY OF DEAN.

And finally, in what appears to be the most realistic representation of male-female mating rituals, all the women are crying. Jasmine wants to bone Matt (?) but he'd rather take a nap. ::: SOB ::: Dean speaks in riddles but somehow Kristina still understands she's being dumped. ::: WEEP :::  Lacey's gonna be alone forever. ::: HOWL ::: How is it that the women have all the power with all the roses but they’re still all in tears? I CAN'T HANDLE MUCH MORE.