WE READ HOT DADDY BRAD PITT'S GQ INTERVIEW SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
FOR TWENTY-THREE YEARS I'VE LOVED BRAD PITT.
Legends of the Fall is the movie I watch to feel comforted and safe when I'm really hungover or sick.
And, well, it's the movie that's also synonymous with my "awakening," if you will.
A couple of my besties tried to tell me recently that Legends of the Fall was "garbage" and "racist" and I was like "go fuck yourself I wish I still had my gigantic Brad Pitt in old timey ranching suspenders poster."
So when Brad and Angelina's divorce drama began in September (complete with a drunken Brad threatening his eldest kid on a plane, sigh), I was devastated. Not particularly because I wanted Brangelina together but because it forced me to reckon with the fact that my sweet baby Brad might actually be an asshole. A privileged, entitled, asshole who can't get it together, just like all the privileged, entitled, assholes I know in real life. My aforementioned bestie was like, "Yes, of course he is," and I was truly sad.
Now Brad is ready to begin his mea culpa tour and present a humbled and contrite Brad who's "working on himself" to the world so we can all go back to loving him hard with no niggling suspicions that he's terrible. The Tour begins at GQ Style where Bradley frolicked in National Parks (because summer?) for an EXTENSIVE photo shoot and gave us a glimpse into his new reality.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW:
- In this photo Brad appears to have died in some sort of avalanche, some shit melted, until his body was revealed, recumbent in an all pink ensemble worth upwards of $3,000. I mean, I LOVE BRAD PITT, but even I'm thinking, bro, you're 53, what the hell is going on here? PINK SHOES FOR $700??! Those are RuPaul's day shoes, give them back.
- "Brad Pitt is making matcha green tea on a cool morning in his old Craftsman in the Hollywood Hills, where he's lived since 1994. There have been other properties in other places—including a château in France and homes in New Orleans and New York City—but this has always been his kids' “childhood home,” he says. And even though they're not here now, he's decided it's important that he is. Today the place is deeply silent, except for the snoring of his bulldog, Jacques."
WHAT A DEPRESSING FIRST PARAGRAPH, Y'ALL. Of course celebrities have problems, but when celebrities have problems, they ruin the entire point of celebrity for us plebeians. Celebrities are aspirational. They inspire us to believe that one day we will work hard enough and be successful enough that all our problems will vanish and we can drift through the world on the winds of Chanel Number 5, beauty, and success. Brad's got 37 homes and a winery and still he's at home sad with a farting dog named Jacques. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE REST OF US?
- "Pitt looks like an LA dad on a juice cleanse," is possibly the most LA of all LA statements to have ever been uttered.
- Brad makes "matcha" for the reporter and I wonder how I would react to this if I were there. I think mostly with deep suspicion. GET YOUR ORGANIC DEVIL MAGIC AWAY FROM ME BRAD, I'M FROM CHICAGO.
- Brad you can have it whenever you want it, but you gots to return these pants.
- Brad calls this a "weird" time. Words I used for my divorce: "Whoops all my hair fell out, golly this is stressful," "Call the lawyer, he wants the TV!" "I only eat popcorn now," "Only Grey's Anatomy understands this pain," "What should I wear to my divorce trial?" and "I WON'T GET OUT OF THIS BED YOU CAN'T MAKE ME."
- They bring up the movie Allied, which was a super sad movie for me because Brad was obviously on drugs and very disconnected and there was poor Marion just giving it her all against lovely cinematography and I really want to meet someone who worked on that film for the behind the scenes dish. Brad is real bad in it, y'all. (No one mentions that fact in this interview.)
- "But on this overcast spring morning, catching Pitt at this flexion point, I would say he seems more like one of those stripped-down Samuel Beckett characters, in a blank landscape, asking big questions of a futile world." Seriously, if Brad's landscape is blank and Brad's world is futile, we're all fucked. Let's get Brad to Chicago ASAP for the new Tracy Lett's play at Steppenwolf and some perspective. Bring Ben Affleck along!
- No more beautiful sad rich people in the woods, please.
- Brad's got a smorgasbord of tattoos including a tornado (too on the nose?) and a giraffe. I recently considered getting a giraffe tattoo so now I feel close to him again.
- "When I ask Pitt what gives him the most comfort these days, he says, 'I get up every morning and I make a fire. When I go to bed, I make a fire, just because—it makes me feel life. I just feel life in this house.'" Not even snarky, this sounds dangerous.
- Brad's got a new movie coming out on Netflix called War Machine. They talk about that.
- "I just started therapy. I love it, I love it." --Brad
- A conversation Jeremy and I had about this photo (edited for length and clarity):
JO: like. a selfie? really? do you really need a phone? i mean i know that was a professional shot but all i can think is ... DOES BRAD PITT HAVE AN IPHONE? WHYYYYYYY
AG: Hahahaha shld he not have an iPhone?
JO: i mean. WHO DOES HE NEED TO CALL. does he like order take out? wtf
AG: lol you don't think he texts people?
JO: isn't that beneath him? like. doesn't he have someone for that?
AG: I guess? But what about his secrets? You think he says "Paulo, sext Kate Hudson, i like her tits." The Kardashians always have a phone
AG: I'm including this in the write up.
- "I interpret a midlife crisis as a fear of growing old and fear of dying, you know, going out and buying a Lamborghini. [pause] Actually—they've been looking pretty good to me lately! [laughs]" BIG SIGH.
- "But me, personally, I can't remember a day since I got out of college when I wasn't boozing or had a spliff, or something. Something. And you realize that a lot of it is, um—cigarettes, you know, pacifiers. And I'm running from feelings. I'm really, really happy to be done with all of that. I mean I stopped everything except boozing when I started my family. But even this last year, you know—things I wasn't dealing with. I was boozing too much. It's just become a problem. And I'm really happy it's been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I've got my feelings in my fingertips again. I think that's part of the human challenge: You either deny them all of your life or you answer them and evolve." I mean I hope Brad's therapist is on this? Like 6 months ain't shit, bro. GET READY.
- Brad replaced the booze with cranberry juice and fizzy water and says "I've got the cleanest urinary tract in all of L.A., I guarantee you!" I don't believe it, I think Jeremy and I better take a look?
- "For me this period has really been about looking at my weaknesses and failures and owning my side of the street. I'm an asshole when it comes to this need for justice. I don't know where it comes from, this hollow quest for justice for some perceived slight. I can drill on that for days and years. It's done me no good whatsoever. It's such a silly idea, the idea that the world is fair. And this is coming from a guy who hit the lottery, I'm well aware of that. I hit the lottery, and I still would waste my time on those hollow pursuits." I want more details here.
- "I stayed at my friend's house on the floor for a month and a half—until I was out there one morning, 5:30, and this surveillance van pulls up. They don't know that I'm up behind a wall, and they pull up—and it's a long story—but it was something more than TMZ, because they got into my friend's computer. The stuff they can do these days.... So I got a little paranoid being there. I decided I had to pick up and come here." What??? Is Brad in an episode of Black Mirror???
- Lot's of vague talk about introspection and life and David Foster Wallace quotes blah blah WHY DO THE WHITE DUDES ALWAYS REGRESS TO DFW?
- "Kids are so delicate. They absorb everything. They need to have their hand held and things explained. They need to be listened to. When I get in that busy work mode, I'm not hearing. I want to be better at that." Awww, Bradley. I think all parents can empathize with this. Also, you have seven hundred children.
- Everything he says about his kids and divorce proceedings sounds good intentioned and I hope for the best for all these people. (And can't wait to read Shiloh's future memoir! She's my fav Jolie-Pitt obvie)
- OH MY GOD THIS ARTICLE IS SO LONG, THERE'S SO MUCH I'M SAVING YOU FROM. SO MUCH.
- Brad's making sculpture with his hands and cleaning up after himself.
- "I wish I could just change my name. Like P. Diddy. I can be Puffy now or—what is Snoop? Lion? I just felt like Brad was a misnomer, and now I just feel like fucking Brad."
Funny, I also feel like fucking Brad. UNTIL THIS MONSTROSITY!