Hey! It’s me, your long lost desert reporter.  Turns out it is too hot in New Mexico to write during the summer. But school is in session (here) and so my fingers return to the keyboard to give you a review of my Glow Recipe Watermelon Glow Sleeping Mask. You may have heard of this wonder product if you follow a whole bunch of sites on Facebook that are there to 1) let those of us out of the loop feel like we know something 2) make us feel bad about our bodies, faces, exercise habits, diets, house cleaning skills, parenting skills, and cooking. So...lady sites.  

Anyway, a few months ago all the lady sites and their mother publications were talking about this amazing watermelon sleeping mask. It was sold out at Sephora for like, months. I’m sure it was on the Today show (I’ll have to ask my mom). After seeing multiple posts and having summer teaching money, which basically turns me into that emoji with the dollar symbol on her tongue, I decided to pop my email address in the “we’ll let you know when we restock box.”  A few weeks later, I received the fateful email that it was in stock.  Sephora couldn’t take my money fast enough!

A bit about my skin: I have always been a grease ball. I had terrible cystic acne as a teen, and did my courses of Accutane like many privileged 90s youths. (I managed to escape the suicidal depression/intestinal explosions/migraines that many others suffered from Accutane.) Many a facialist has complemented the thickness of my skin (one actually gave my skin an A+ when I told her how old I was) (she’s my favorite ever). But, in my late thirties, I started having some dryness! It was puzzling, because I have always been so shiny and oily. At first it was only in winter, but it continued into the spring and summer this year. I went from not moisturizing at all/zapping my face with harsh products to moisturizing with the lightest formulas to getting into that heavy, creamy shit.  

Temperamentally, I am opposed to spend that much time thinking about my beauty regimes. I don’t wear makeup (feminist brag) and my routines have to be simple or I won’t do them, because I am lazy.  

Enter the Watermelon Glow Sleeping Mask. It is a beautiful shade of what my lady sites tell me is “Millennial Pink.”  It smells, as every article and review states ecstatically, like a watermelon Jolly Rancher. It smells like you could eat it and get all the cavities. The texture is...watery jello? Semen-y? Viscous. It comes with just the most adorable little clear plastic spoon/spatula. I mean, I love it. It’s like what an elf would use to eat pudding. It contains AHAs and other things.  

At night, before bed, I lazily wipe my face with a cleansing cloth and then unscrew the lid. I take my adorable elf spoon and dip it in. The texture is weird and I find it unsettling. I scoop two dime sized dollops into my hand and then rub that shit all over my face and decolletage. It’s wet and cold (refreshing) but it absorbs very quickly. Then, I rest my head on my pillow, drift to sleep, and wake up with GLOWING SKIN, BITCH. Yes. This product is pretty amazing. I feel like, unscientifically, my pores are 1000% smaller. My dryness problems have disappeared. The first time I washed it off in the morning, I felt like my skin was baby soft.    

A few words here: Okay. I have had two medium cystic acne spots since I’ve been using it. They both went away quickly, and could be attributed to hormones/stress/face touching/genetics. Also, YOU GOTTA WEAR SUNSCREEN with this. Obviously, you should be wearing sunscreen all the time, even at night, but maybe sometimes you forget and take your dogs for a walk in the morning and get a little more pink than you would be ordinarily. The first few days, I felt a bit toasted. Like maybe this skin wasn’t ready for AHAs. I skipped a day in between and my skin got with the program.

I pair this with Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask (which comes with an even tinier spatula!) and I feel like a pampered Princess of Fruit Island who will never grow old. I like the sleeping masks because I don’t have to do much more than play with tiny utensils and rub them on my face.  

I recommend this for: the lazy, the late to the party trendinistas, oily/dry faces, fruit lovers, pamperers of all stripes.  

Zane Biebelle

Zane Biebelle lives in the desert wilds of New Mexico.  She has a husband, dogs, and teaches at the community college by talking loudly and waving her hands.  She enjoys long walks among the tumbleweeds, playing ball with dogs, and is the English department's junior astrologer.