First, I’m not old. I’m middle aged. But at this point I have put some time in raising children. My daughters are 18 and 15, which makes younger mothers say to me, “WOW! You’re almost done!” HA! As if when a kid hits 18, she just vanishes into thin air never expecting another goddamn thing from you. UH………..NO.

As a matter of fact, I once knew a 50-year-old woman who had to move back in with her 80-year-old mom because the 50-year-old had a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and needed to be monitored by an 80-year-old because her memory was shot to crap. THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, MOMS. Turns out those little fuckers may never go away.

Of course, I hope those things don’t happen to you. I want great things for you and your family! I want to be clear that I’m about to dole out some words of wisdom about raising kids because Mother’s Day will be the only day you have an hour of peace to read this. I have no qualifications to do so except for my years of experience and big mouth, but here goes:

  1. As Kendrick Lamar says, “Be humble, bitch!” I know that sounds aggressive, but I have to tell you this: just because your 4-year-old belts out Katy Perry like she’s on fire, does not make her the next Whitney Houston, OK? Stop telling everyone this. Let others discover it for themselves, like after she’s cut her first album. Trust me, you’ll appreciate this advice when you are telling people that your daughter is not recording at RCA, but actually serving waffles at a Denny’s in Sarasota.
  2. GO TO THE BATHROOM! I can’t tell you how many ladies tell me how because they have a toddler, they “can’t” go to the bathroom. YES YOU CAN! Each day, you are given exactly 1 minute and 23 seconds to take a shit, DO IT IN PEACE. Get a playpen, activity center, or a safe to put your kid in and go poo! It’s ok. Yeah, sometimes, he’s gonna scream and cry, let him. He’s not going to die. He’s gonna be sad. WELL BOO HOO KID AREN’T WE ALL? Take your headphones, plug in, enjoy that tight squeeze from your anus and let go.
  3. Don’t tell people you’re tired. No one cares. I know that you think people should, but they don’t. You think your grandmother went around telling people she was tired while raising 17 kids in a one room house? No. She sucked it up and you can do it, too. Where do you find that kind of strength? I’ll tell you where--THE MOMENT YOUR HUSBAND GETS HOME. I swear to god, if I could punch a dick for every woman who told me that their husbands are too busy/tired to help her take care of that baby…. GIVE HIM THE BABY. He made it, he needs to suffer for it.
  4. Be flexible and grow in your approach with dealing with your kids as they get older and you plan your disappearance. For example, you cannot give a 15-year-old a “time out” for stealing her dad’s (your ex-husband’s) 2016 Ford Explorer, crashing it into his garage, forcing him to pay thousands of thousands of dollars in garage and car repair. NOT APPROPRIATE FOR A TIME OUT! But, definitely appropriate to excuse yourself to your bedroom under pretense of anger and then quietly jumping for joy on your bed while stifling your laughs because sweet sweet revenge.
  5. Take lots and lots of pictures so no matter how bad things get, you’ll always remember a time when you thought motherhood was a gift.

I hope that you’ll take this advice to heart and know I’m wishing you the best Pretend I Really Love Things That Have ‘Mom’ Written on Them Day! I hope you have the energy to fake smile as you flip through your kid’s handmade coupon book full of things you don’t want - I mean really, kids? A coupon for a hug? You’re gross and your hands are sticky, keep your hugs, m’kay?