NOBODY PUTS TOILET IN THE CORNER (RHOC RECAP)

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As the old adage goes, the best way to fix a marriage devoid of intimacy, trust, and stability, is to rearrange your appliances. This week on RHOC, Shannon Beador, a blonde wig on a sack of sad, invites her longtime feng shui expert over to heal her deep psychological wounds through the art of furniture placement and bullshit. The feng shui lady confirms Shannon’s fears: The toilet is in a ‘relationship area’ which means her “relationships are draining away.”  She also asserts that the sink is a female appliance facing a male stove and this can cause conflict. Duh, Shannon. No wonder your marriage is falling apart. Use some common sense when installing your gendered-appliances! By now, the feng shui expert has probably changed disguises and hitched a ride to another gated community to prey on damaged rich ladies with way too much time on their hands and money to burn.

Speaking of loveless marriages, Meghan King Edmonds and Jim Edmonds are trying to soothe their screaming baby. Little do they know, you can’t soothe a baby who is crying because they started their existence on RHOC and know that they’re destined for a life of d-list notoriety and a moderately successful statement necklace line on the Home Shopping Network. Let it out baby, cry cry cry. Later, on a family car trip, Megan bemoans the fact that she’s  pulled between different housewife allegiances. Jim, much like the baby, hates this drama. “What’s for dinner?” he mumbles as he mulls over the physics of shooting himself into the sun.

Next up, Disney Princess Lydia and her husband, Prince Eric Doug have just launched Nobleman Magazine, which describes itself as “a magazine designed for the gentlemanly alpha male, the leading man who is confident, capable and truly appreciates the finer things in life.” I’m pretty sure this was plagiarized from a Dos Equis ad. Stay BASIC, my friends.

Lydia and Doug have invited Diko Sulahian, owner of luxury tire shops, for a Nobleman photoshoot with his wife. And now we’re introduced to our newest, fanciest, most Armenian housewife of the OC, Peggy. In wealth, she’s a RHOBH 3 but she’s an RHOC 10, cuz most of these other Heaux are overleveraged and underwater.

Doug, the paragon of a nobleman, tells Lydia not to hug Peggy because Peggy just had a mastectomy. So naturally when Lydia meets Peggy for the first time, she immediately brings up breast cancer because cartoon princesses have highly developed emotional intelligence. When Peggy reveals that her mother died from breast cancer, Lydia feels all icky and uncomfortable. After all, Lydia may have been prying, but that doesn’t mean Peggy should openly discuss sad stuff. Princesses like happy thoughts! To Lydia, Peggy’s disclosure is almost worse than aggressive breast cancer. Maybe Peggy should have sang about her cancer with backup from a loving guppy and a Jamaican crab. Now THAT’S what I call happy.

To celebrate his wife’s recovery, Diko presents Peggy with $170,000 of diamonds. Honestly, it’s refreshing to finally have some Armenians on reality television that are this subdued in their consumption.

We briefly visit Kelly and her husband Michael, who  are trying to mend their troubled marriage by exercising together. Maybe they should just move their toilet--it would take less effort.

We check back in with Shannon who is redirecting all of her feelings towards her daughter, Sophie, who is attending a formal dance. Sophie reveals that her friends think Shannon is cool, probably because Shannon gives them booze and drugs if they call her pretty and hold her hand for five minutes every month.

When Shannon eats a small piece of bread at the pre-dance gathering, David reprimands her because he’s husband of the year.

Sophie’s friends arrive and they’re glowing like they haven’t been in a loveless marriage for a decade. Shannon directs all the kids in a photoshoot, likely whispering to herself “I used to be pretty and young too, but just you wait, you skinny motherfuckers. One day you’ll grow old and mean and sad and then you won’t be so giggly... ALRIGHT KIDS, get in the limo, time for the dance, LOVE YA!”

Meanwhile, Tamra throws a lavish party for her granddaughter’s second birthday party with a beer tasting menu because what more could a two-year-old want?

Lydia arrives to the party and immediately inserts herself in the middle of the Vicki vs. Tamra and Shannon drama. She insists that by holding grudges, Tamra and Shannon are no better than Vicki.

Shannon does not take kindly to this accusation and LOSES it. After all, Vicki’s allegation about domestic abuse caused Shannon to gain 40lbs and pay tens of thousands of dollars to a spiritual furniture advisor. Tamra tries to diffuse the fight while Shannon stress eats a nacho in the background,  but Lydia is unmoved and tells Shannon that she’s hostile.

Shannon leaves the party screaming and crying and Lydia blinks her wide eyes, satisfied that she’s killed the sea witch.

At some point, someone probably sang happy birthday to the two-year-old, but she’s a toddler now, so she’s old enough to know that this party wasn’t for her.