LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX, OC (RHOC RECAP)
Another week, another RHOC where Shannon Beador day drinks and blames her 40lbs weight gain on Vicki Gunvalson.
This time she laments to Meghan, who lost all her baby weight in about 10 minutes. Very relatable. I don’t want to be presumptuous but maybe cutting out excessive drinking would help Shannon with weight loss. Never mind. Shannon just threw a plate at my head. I take it all back. It’s Vicki’s fault. All Vicki.
Next, we meet up with Lydia and Doug on a family vacation in Hawaii. Lydia decides there’s no time like the present to have the sex talk with her 8-year old son and immediately thrusts (pun intended) the responsibility on her husband Doug, because it’s the 1950s and mothers cannot talk about sex with their sons. Lydia and Doug want to give their children something called a “God-centered realistic perspective” on sex. Which apparently is the following:
Jesus loved sex
Sex is something God created
Sex is something you do in private
Lydia and Doug are good at sex but they were both virgins when they met each other. So be a virgin and then you’ll be great at sexing.
Welp, son. There you have it. Nothing could go wrong here. One day, you’ll grow up, fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, get married, and then have sex and it’ll be great. You’ll never have to worry about STDs, toxic masculinity, or issues of consent because you were raised with a God-centered realistic perspective on sex.
Meanwhile, Peggy and Diko celebrate their daughter’s acceptance into college. And when they tire of that in about two seconds, they move on to celebrating the arrival of their custom Lamborghini, which is way cooler than some dumb college. Peggy and Diko will have an event to unveil the Lambo to the world--just what the country needs to unite us during these trying times. Peggy decides to invite the ladies to the Lambopalooza. When Peggy calls Shannon, Shannon declines her invitation because Vicki will be coming and Shannon doesn’t need to gain another 40lbs. Peggy is basically like STFU. Amen Peggy. Amen.
In an overture of love and empathy, Kelly, who is worried that her aging mother has become a recluse, takes her mom on a tour of a senior residence, because nothing puts pep in your step like a rousing game of ping pong and adult diapers. Her mom ain’t having it and Kelly whines like petulant teenager. Then more ping pong.
Later, Kelly meets Tamra for lunch and apologizes for being a terrible person and Tamra apologizes too because they need to film together or they’ll be no drama on RHOC. They bond over their weak bladders and wide set vaginas and all is well in the world.
Back in Hawaii, Lydia tells Doug she doesn’t want any more kids and asks him to cut his balls off. Perhaps if either of them knew anything about biology or anatomy, they’d know about the vasectomy procedure, but that’s not what a God-centered approach to sex teaches you. It teaches you castration.
Back in California, Meghan complains that Jim travels way too much and doesn’t see the baby enough. Jim quietly seethes and probably wonders why he couldn’t have died in a freak baseball accident.
The night of Lambofest arrives and Peggy unveils to a crowded room her bright yellow car, designed just for her, with doors that open upwards and an exhaust pipe that squeals ‘Peggy is a very rich Armenian. All hail Peggy the rich Armenian’.
Vicki, Megan, and Lydia are in attendance and cheer for Peggy while also wishing her dead because she’s so rich and beautiful.
Meghan invites the ladies to a ‘sip and see’ which is a party where people look at a baby and then get shitfaced because newborns are so precious. Meghan also informs the ladies that Shannon and Tamra will be attending the sip and see, which could lead to a confrontation between them and Vicki. Vicki promises to be civil, Meghan calls bullshit on Vicki, and then Peggy physically closes Meghan’s lips because she doesn’t have time for pettiness when they’re so many yellow cars to own in the world.