SIP AND SEETHE (RHOC RECAP)

Just when I thought this season of RHOC was a sad tedious write-off, I watched Monday night’s episode with my parents, and they injected some much-needed liveliness into the series, while also making me feel like a bad person for wasting my life on this crap.

Things my parents said during episode 6:

  • “Why do you watch this shit?”- dad

  • “They dress horribly”- mom

  • “Are they all supposed to be super rich? Somewhat rich? How do such dumbass people get so rich?”- dad

  • “If they’re not that rich, how are they shopping at the most expensive baby store in New Jersey?”- mom (I replied that it’s the OC.) “I thought this was definitely Jersey.”- mom

  • “Do people actually watch this show. It’s terrible. It’s stupid. They’re terrible people. They should run for president.”- dad

  • “Do you think Trump watches this?”- mom

My parents watched the entire episode because they love me. They are good people unlike most of the cast. Which brings us to Vicki Gunvalson.

When we begin the episode, Vicki and her new normal, non-abusive/non-cancer falsifying boyfriend are watching Vicki’s grandchildren. It’s a touching reminder that though there’s a side of Vicki that is willing to destroy you and everyone you love, there’s also a side of her that can babysit children for an afternoon. Yin. And. Yang.

Meanwhile Meghan King Edmonds is busy planning her sip-and-see for baby Aspen. She calls Vicki to invite her and Vicki promises not to throw wine at any of the other women even though they’ve wronged her by being angry that she took part in a fake cancer scheme and spread lies about Tamra’s husband being gay and about Shannon’s husband beating her. Brava Vicki for rising about their pettiness.

When Meghan calls Peggy to invite her to the sip-and-see, Peggy’s phone falls off the table and cracks. In two seasons from now, when Peggy is throwing plates across the room with mascara running down her face, we’ll remember the phone breaking and understand that this was a very obvious omen of things to come. When Peggy finally speaks with Meghan, she suggests passing the baby around because people won’t fight if a baby is being launched from one person to the next. Peggy has a more nuanced diplomacy strategy than the 45th President of the United States. Someone please send Peggy to negotiate peace in the Middle East. And send a baby.

Then Peggy’s husband, Diko tries to explain to her the meaning of “beating a dead horse.” Peggy does not understand why anyone would beat a dead horse; it’s already dead. Just stop beating it. I find this moment funny and my parents look at me like they plan to write me out of their will.

Over in the part of the OC where sexualities are repressed and everyone stays virgins until they’re married to someone of the opposite sex, Lydia and Doug plan a launch party for NOBLEMAN Magazine. Lydia will only invite the ladies to this star-studded affair if they all behave well at Meghan’s sip-and-see. I just perused some pictures from the launch party and the stars to which Lydia refers are only RHOC cast members. Someone please remind Lydia that she’s just some scrappy d-lister living in a multimillion dollar property on some generic cul-de-sac, just like the rest of these heauxs. You ain’t special.

Then we enter a shopping sequence where Tamra and Shannon shop for baby gifts for the-sip and-see and practice being cordial to their enemies.

Shannon and Tamra plan to meet Kelly before the party so Kelly and Shannon can clear the air and agree to only insult each other behind their backs. Like goddamn high society.

Speaking of air, Kelly and Vicki also shop for baby gifts while a toddler in their store poops. Vicki almost vomits at the smell. I thought the stench of rotting from the soul outwards would make Vicki  immune to a little shit, but this baby feces is potent.

Kelly meets Tamra and Shannon for smoothies and they agree to put their differences aside, and no one is convinced, especially not my parents. My dad also wonders if they ever talk about global warming.  

Then we’re off to the sip-and-see and no one seems to care much about baby Aspen--Tamra and Shannon spend most of the party avoiding Vicki, and then talking shit about Vicki. The party ends calmly so everyone is invited to Lydia’s stupid magazine event. Then Vicki and Kelly drive away and talk inaudible shit about Shannon’s weight gain. This was a HUGE let-down. I half expected the baby to throw some shade but NADA.

All I know is that in 18 years from now, baby Aspen will be in therapy crying about how her mother used her to get more camera time on one of the shittier housewives franchises.