MAY THE BRIDGES THEY BURN LIGHT THEIR WAY (RHONY RECAP)

After last week’s snoozer, the RHONY are dusting themselves off, shaking out the cobwebs, pruning the bushes or some other Sonja Morgan euphemism for her vag, and getting out of dodge for some much needed bonding and rejuvenation--physical, spiritual, and vaginal.

First up, Bethenny invites the ladies for brunch at a pizza parlor in The Bronx to get them out of New York City.  I thought the Bronx was in New York City but the high priestess of Skinny Girl™ has deemed it not so. Sorry The Bronx. Someone should tell The Bronx that it’s part of Rochester now. Rochester, birthplace of hip-hop! Bethenny is also wearing a fur vest that’s just a Yeti slung over her shoulders. When one has the wealth and power to separate The Bronx from NYC, one naturally has access to the finest furs.

vest.png

The ladies are utterly charmed by this authentic pizza shack frequented by people who work something called “day jobs.” Dorinda is especially enamored because she is wasted. And a drunk Dorinda is a loving Dorinda. Until you cross her. Which Sonja does.

Sonja accuses Dorinda of trying to invest in a knock-off brand of Skinny Girl™ alcohol called Tipsy Girl (a sad Sonja Morgan story line from a few years back) and Dorinda’s goes from drunk lady who lunches to drunk lady who lurches across the table while swearing about about Sonja’s vagina being the ‘hostess with the mostess’. Which may be the most honest statement ever uttered on this show. And in the right circumstances, a genuine compliment. This all seems perfectly on brand for the pizza shack. The fight crescendos with Dorindo screaming “Clip Clip Clip” over and over while making cutting fingers at Sonja, which I assume was a seminal moment in Godfather Part III (which I never saw.) I think it means “You’re once again disinvited to the Berkshires, Sonja”. Bethenny’s fur weeps for simpler times when Luann was a Countess and Trump was just a regular rapey business man.

dorinda.gif

No matter, because the girls quickly forget about The Bronx and hightail it over to Vermont for a luxury ski weekend. Also not in New York City.

When Bethenny arrives, the Yeti has moved to her feet and is trying to blend in with the snow. Poor Yeti.

Dorinda walks in only to realize that she left her luggage on the street somewhere in NYC after having sex with her boyfriend, John. The sex made her forget her luggage.

If I was having sex with John, I’d try to forget most of my life too. Dorinda-if this is some Stockholm Syndrome thing, blink twice.

Dorinda is undaunted because she plans to send an Uber from NYC to Vermont with her personal effects, which will make up for any financial losses Uber’s taken over the past few months. In the meantime, she pulls the essentials out of her purse, including a mini disco ball. This is where she stores those drugs, right?

Ramona, Sonja, and Tinsley mark their arrival with flouncing blond hair and nonsensical shrieking. Ramona and Sonja want a better room and Tinsley wants red wine with sleeping pills. Ramona insults Skinny Girl wine because there are always bridges to burn. Pretty standard RHONY.

As the ladies join together to dine and appreciate the bounty before them, Luann complains that her bedroom is subpar, an injustice for a newly married woman. Newly married women should have the best. Perhaps the ladies don’t understand that when someone gets married to the East Coast’s biggest pervert, one doesn’t trust the marriage’s staying power and thus one must milk it for all it’s worth. It’s so simple, can’t you see? Read these tips and more in Class with the Countess.

Tinsley's elixir of sleeping pills, wine, and probably some laxatives kicks in and she cries out that she wants a man and children and that no one understands her humiliating breakup and mugshot. At the heart of every reality show is empathy and compassion so Bethenny and Luann tell Tinsley to suck it up because everyone’s dealing with shit. This ain’t no place for sissies, and if you think your life is hard now, just wait until the three-part reunion special.

Then Ramona raises her glass and makes a toast to happiness because LADY. CAN. READ. A. ROOM.