Why in God's name did we see Snatched? For you obviously. OBVIOUSLY. We're not just screwin' around here. Heauxs is serious business, a public service. And because Jeremy loves Goldie Hawn. Like loves. Like during the movie he said at least three times, "I legit want to go on vacation with Goldie Hawn." And Goldie was super dirty, and sweaty, and whiney because she'd been... well... snatched? But Jeremy was ready to go ANYWHERE with her. I mean who cares that Hollywood has forced her into looking like an extra-terrestrial wearing a blonde wig in Drew Barrymore's closet. She is charming AF and he is HERE for it. What a shame that's not enough to save the movie!
OMG. WAIT. Let's take a moment to talk about the newly remodeled Davis Theater (4614 N Lincoln Ave). It's a skosh south of Lincoln Square in what Google is telling us is called West Ravenswood. Whatever. That was for Chicagoans who get sensitive about their neighborhoods. The theater was pretty cute before, but now there's super cushy and fancy recliner-style seating. It's cute. It's cozy. The sound was so loud my ears are still ringing. DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND GO RIGHT NOW.
Oh, lord. This movie. Look, we don't want to spend more time on this review than the screenwriter spent on the script (which couldn't have been more than 23 minutes), so let's cut to the chase. There's probably "spoilers" below, but be honest, you already know what happens in this movie.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SNATCHED RIGHT NOW:
- This movie was more fun before they got snatched. Again ... who doesn't wanna hang out with Goldie (even if we have to deal with Schumer)? At one point you get to look at old pictures of Goldie and giggle about the good old days. WHO DOESN'T WANNA DO THAT. That's literally the only thing Jeremy wants to do. Ever.
- Like the start of all classic movies, Amy gets fired and dumped all within the first three minutes. Nobody is this terrible and clueless. Also can we be done with lazy and dumb white girls soon, pretty please? It's exhausting.
- The first time we see Goldie she's talking to her cats, looking at match dot com, and calling Amy to warn her about safety. It's like these writers read Save the Cat, plugged some real obvious shit into a formula, and were like GOOD ENOUGH. Generally the audience didn't seem to mind tho? (BECAUSE GOLDIE HAWN IS A NATIONAL MF TREASURE)
- The movie has been on for 13 minutes and we're mildly amused I guess? Mostly because a hot dude appears on vacation and all you care about is his sparkly eyes and begging-to-be-touched curly hair.
- Suddenly WANDA SYKES and JOAN CUSACK show up as "platonic best friends" and we're filled with hope! Dear America: Where is my Sykes/Cusack/Hawn movie? Huh? HUH? Where is it? Their hilarious comedic bits might be the only reason to see this movie.
- Jungle guide Chris Maloney, who is so rude as to keep us from seeing his bare naked ass, says "I was managing a Trader Joe's up in Rochester. That was the real jungle." And that shit was hilarious.
- This movie does not know what it wants to be. Is it a comedy? An action flick? An episode of Mission Impossible? A fever dream? WHAT IS IT.
- At the end Jeremy was either cleaning his glasses or crying when Amy and Goldie were reunited. (obviously WEEPING)
- Americans are the worst people. Don't be an American if you can avoid it.
- Ecuador is a beautiful place and we should all move there immediately.