THINGS MY DEPRESSION MADE ME DO, RATED
Moved all the furniture in my bedroom counterclockwise one afternoon.
If you can’t afford a change of scenery by jetting off to a gorgeous, screen-saver destination, marginally tricking your brain into thinking it’s happened is a close second. Recommended if you enjoy the mild thrill of slight disorientation you experience upon entering a hotel room for the first time. Not suitable for people not on Wellbutrin, the acceptable and readily prescribed meth alternative.
Rating: 2 Ativan
Signed up for/participated in The Bachelor fantasy league.
If there’s one thing I’m distressingly good at, it’s correctly predicting the bizarre mating tics of 20-somethings in captivity. And with all the uncertainty in the world that is currently exacerbating my anxiety, being able to rely on my vast, sad mental catalog of4 AM drunk arguments, and weeping in bikinis near a buffet spread is strangely comforting. Everyone has a gift.
Rating: 3 Ativan
Spent $142 on cacti.
They thrive on abandonment and require very little of me all the while sprucing up a dull room. If only my children could do the same.
Rating: 3 Ativan
Pled with Google to find me "adult goth minimal work clothes and don't you dare show me a fucking top hat and/or bustier or any type of godforsaken floral even if it's on a black background just be serious this is SERIOUS I'm at the end of my rope!!!"
What can I say? I have a brand and I remain on-message throughout my pain. Results of this search were predictably disappointing, although I did find an Etsy shop down one internet rabbit hole that will cast all manner of insects, bones and teeth in sterling silver, no questions asked, so not a total wash.
Rating: 4 Ativan
Read the entire manual for my printer, beginning to end, and then again in Spanish.
I can take this motherfucker apart and put it back together if I want to and I definitely don’t want to. It’s portable, and wireless too, so I can print 30ppm while carrying this motherfucker like a boom box if I wanted to and I might want to. Y cuando quiero llorar no lloro.
Rating: 1 Ativan
Spent $322 on karaoke.
I don’t go to therapy anymore but this outing cost roughly the same amount per hour and I’d much rather work my crap out through Fleetwood Mac than Aetna.
Rating: 5 Ativan
Stayed on hold with the US Postal Service for 46 minutes.
My depression is like a tree and one of its branches is the “Are you testing me? Is this a dare? You think I can’t do this? Who do you think you’re dealing with?!” branch which is quite exhausting because this behavior never strikes when it’s actually required, like work meetings, or Christmas day, or my mother; it’s always reserved for stupid shit like standing in a mile-long checkout line at CVS for nail polish I won’t ever use but I’ve already been here 20 minutes, what’s another forty hours, god help me.
Rating: No Ativan, you in danger, girl!!!