Twin Peaks—isn’t that the whacked-out show your film major boyfriend made you watch with him back in college while you ate Doritos and smoked weed out of an apple? Originally canceled in 1991 after 30 episodes, David Lynch’s surreal soap opera/murder mystery/fever dream was way ahead of its time. During the two and half decades since the film prequel Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me was released, the show became a cult favorite and obvious inspiration to filmmakers, musicians, and that hipster girl you know who always wears saddle shoes. To the delight of artsy weirdos and Gen Xers everywhere, the original creators and cast are back with 18 new episodes! Elizabeth was a fan in the early 90s but hasn’t seen the show since and mostly forgot about it, and Kim is a die-hard stan with a Bookhouse Boys tattoo and has owned the entire boxed set on both VHS and DVD.
EG: Hey Girl Hey!
EG: Twin Peaks! Let's get to it. First of all, do you remember anything from the original series?
KN: Yes! I've probably watched the whole thing all the way through 4-5 times in my life, plus the movie.
EG: That's pretty incredible. They say memory is stronger through repetition. I only saw it when it aired on real live tv and I drink way too much, so I hardly remember it AT ALL. I know Laura Palmer is dead and there's a midget involved. I say midget because in the 90s that was still acceptable.
KN: There are more than a few things in the original series that were acceptable in the 90s but iffy today, which I'm sure we'll get to eventually. But you are correct; the series started with the death of Laura Palmer, high school homecoming queen, hometown sweetheart, Meals on Wheels volunteer, and girlfriend to popular bad boy Bobby Briggs.
EG: Is he hot?
KN: Bobby Briggs definitely make the Top 5 List of Best Cheekbones in the 90's.
EG: HA! I just looked him up and was like, "Ooooh 90’s hot!"
KN: Because of a few key clues found at the crime scene, Agent Dale Cooper of the FBI gets pulled into the investigation. Hence was born one of the greatest characters in television history (in my personal opinion).
EG: Over Breaking Bad?
KN: "One of..." Don't make me choose! I'd have to break it out by Hero, Anti-Hero, Villain, Reformed Villian, etc.
KN: Anyways, Agent Cooper gets deeply embroiled in the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer. It's a small town, and everyone's a suspect.
EG: Yeah - still no memory. I will say, however, when the opening scene of the NEW Twin Peaks hit, I was like, "GOOD LORD! I'M 16 AGAIN!" I never did drugs when I was in high school, but watching that show always made me feel like I was high, especially that Julee Cruise song! GIRL!
KN: Yes!! Hearing the opening theme song made me tear up a bit.
EG: And that zig-zag floor? C'mon! Every Black Lodge should have one! Do you think that people have to have seen the original show to understand this one?
KN: I would recommend watching the original show as well as the movie, Fire Walk With Me. Though let's be real, even if you've seen every second of the series and movie, you're still gonna say "WTF" like 15 times out loud during the first two episodes. But that's what I love about Twin Peaks: the absurd humor mixed in with the unsettling visual imagery and creepy dream logic.
EG: That sounds smart. Let's stay on my level, ok? This season opens up in the Black Lodge, right? Dream sequence?
KN: The last time we saw Cooper in the original series, he was trapped in the Black Lodge and his doppelgänger had taken his place in the real world. Do you remember who killed Laura Palmer?
EG: No, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Agent Cooper got his cheeks done since the original show. Maybe it was a decent paleo diet? I should go back and rewatch the show. I do remember that I would play the Twin Peaks album and cry. I guess that doesn't answer the question Who Killed Laura Palmer?
KN: That's what I'm here for! People call me KMDB for a reason!
EG: THE BEST!
KMDBKN: Laura was killed by an evil spirit, BOB, that had possessed her father Leland. Now, BOB has taken over Cooper. It also gives Kyle MacLachlan a decent excuse for having starred in Showgirlsa—“that pool scene, all BOB’s idea."
EG: I don't remember Showgirls either, so thank god, KMDB is here to save me! Elizabeth Banks as an out-of-work dance mom? Elizabeth Taylor as an geriatric stripper? Queen Elizabeth playing Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors? I know there's an Elizabeth somewhere!
KMDB: Not quite, but I would totes watch all of those movies.
EG: Here's another thing I am curious about. In the previous show, were the dream sequences subtitled?
KMDB: Everyone who lives in the Black Lodge does that creepy backwards-talking thing, and their dialogue is subtitled. They also like to speak in non sequiturs, like "Sometimes my arms bend back" or "That gum you like is going to come back in style."
EG: ...As a big ol' tree! We'll get to that. The first episode catches up on familiar faces and people we've seen before. Like that lady from Honey I Shrunk the Kids and that Dude from Twin Peaks.
KMDB: And those rascally Horne brothers, Ben and Jerry. There's a mix of brief appearances from original cast members, some new character introductions, and Matthew Lillard in a storyline that kicks off a new murder mystery. OMG we haven't even talked about the box yet!!
EG: You forgot Ashley Judd! Here's that guy who's named after the Blackhawks Mascot - Tommy Hawk! His real name is Michael Heinrich which I find funny for some reason. Whatever, I would sleep with him even now. WHAT BOX?
KMDB: The mysterious glass box in New York.
EG: The one where the naked Stormtrooper comes out eventually and slashes everyone's face? What's up with that box?
KMDB: Yes!! It's a little jarring to see new locations like New York and Buckhorn introduced, since the original show was all about the town of Twin Peaks
EG: You know what else is jarring? Seeing Evil Dale Cooper come back as a Neil Diamond impersonator.
KMDB: Ha, totally!
EG: Neil Diamond busts his way into the house of the Ugly People and snatches up Darya and Ray. Meanwhile, in another house a murder is uncovered. That corpse was a mess! Also why does the neighbor smell the decaying bodies but the police act like it's just another day in the neighborhood...crackheads and cray crays. That was another thing you could do in the 90s - mock drug addicts.
That’s when we meet the couple right?
KMDB: Yes; William and Phyllis Hastings are brand new characters and the heart of the Buckhorn storyline. William apparently went to the Leland Palmer School of Acting.
EG: The police knock on the door and are like, "We need to take your husband to jail" and his wife does not give AF! She's all, "We have company coming! I did not make this relish dish for nothing!”
KMDB: It's like she never saw Scream. Matthew Lillard is ALWAYS suspicious!!
EG: KBMD STRIKES AGAIN! That's essentially episode 1 right? Were there any other poignant things we missed? Burning commentary that we must discuss? Besides the fact that Darya is wearing a romper and I KNOW Jeremy Owens is gonna be real jealous. Why do you think HBO decided to drop the show they way did before we move onto episode 2?
KMDB: You mean Showtime? Are you drinking right now, Gomez?
EG: I'M TRYING TO RELAX! Why not one 2-hour episode?
KMDB: From what I've read, David Lynch shot the 18 hours as one movie, as opposed to episodes, and then decided later how he wanted to edit it and release each hour installment.
EG: Well, I will say I wouldn't sit through an 18 hour movie, it would be like The Passion all over again.
KMDB: Is it surprising that I would? That's only slightly longer than I spent watching Fast & Furious movies. It's my life as KMDB. With great power comes great responsibility
EG: Who said that? Walter White?
KMDB: Spiderman. I'm almost embarrassed by myself. I should clarify that it's FROM Spiderman, but Uncle Ben said it.
EG: (insert head shake) Episode 2 moves us deeper into the world of Twin Peaks, but I still don't get it. I like what's going on between the principal and his slutty wife. That's not slut shaming, I proudly carry that label myself.
KMDB: While I am also all for slut empowerment, I question whether she's a real person.
EG: GHOST SLUT???? That should be the last title for the Showgirls Trilogy.
KMDB: When Evil Cooper shoots her, he says she was doing a good impression of a human. What does he know?? Especially since he's an otherworldly creature himself.
EG: Whoa, Kim. That's deep.
KMDB: And this is where we see how much the mythology is expanding from the original season; where darkness lurked in a small town. Here, the roots of evil are creeping across middle America and pop up in glass boxes in New York penthouses.
EG: Where we meet the balled-up gumballs on tree branches and find out Laura Palmer is actually the briefcase from Pulp Fiction?
EG: I’m glad that Darya dies. I don't trust any woman who doesn't take off her bra when she's home.
KMDB: Between Darya and Tracy, I'm slightly embarrassed by the lack of fancy underwear in my closet.
EG: Why are all my underwear period underwear???
KMDB: I'm wearing Boba Fett underwear right now we're both so good at staying on brand.
EG: Tell me more about non-panty-related evil doing. Why does Good Dale Cooper end up in the box and Bad Dale Cooper have Robert Durst’s eyes???
KMDB: We see Evil Cooper is up to something with that briefcase and he's very intent on getting some coordinates. Something's gonna go down. We also hear mention of Philip Jeffries, who's the FBI agent who disappeared in Fire Walk With Me, and was played by David Bowie.
EG: Moment of silence please.
KMDB: He kills off Darya in a pretty brutal moment and then hello, Jennifer Jason Leigh!
EG: Single White Female REALNESS! Thank god, you're around KMDB because I've been trying to figure out her name all night.
KMDB: Finally, my friendless high school years spent alone in my bedroom watching every movie off the shelf at Blockbuster are paying off! But enough about my nerd origin story.
EG: What do you see happening as we move along in the show? Hopes, dreams, theories?
KMDB: Hopes: that Audrey Horne survived the bank explosion from the end of the original series. Another hope: that I do not have nightmares about that creature from the jail cell who inexplicably disappeared. Biggest hope of all: to see the return of Dale Cooper back in his original state, admiring the smell of the Douglas firs, and drinking some damn good coffee. How about you?
EG: I am totally with you about that creepy guy in the jail cell, but my biggest hope is that I won't watch the whole series wishing it was Breaking Bad.
EG: I know I have a reputation of being a professional contrarian, but so far, I'm giving Twin Peaks: The Return the thumbs up.
KMDB: Yay!!! So we can stay friends!